Cat Bathing as a Martial Art

Some people believe cats never have to be bathed. They believe cats have a special enzyme in their saliva, like new and improved tide with bleach, and can lick themselves clean. There comes a time, however, when a man must face reality. Before you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the shower you may wish to heed some advice.

* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of stregnth. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the glass sliding door as if you were going to take a shower.

* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from a human body. Your advantage here is you are smarter and can dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high top construction boots, a pair of steel mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey mask, and a long sleeve flak jacket.

* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are laying on your back in the water.

*Use the element of surprise. Pick up your kitty nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will usually not notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. )

*Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single fluid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the bath enclosure, shut the glass door, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than 2 or 3 seconds at a time. When you have him however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He will then spring free and fall back into the water, rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so dont expect too much.)

*Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the hardest, for humans are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That is because by now the cat is semipermanently attached to your right leg. With your toes, pop the drain plug, reach for the towel and wait. (Occasionally the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, simply shake him free and coax him toward your right leg) After all the water has drained from the tub it is a simple matter to reach down and dry the cat.

*In a few days the cat will be relaxed enough to remove him from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isnt usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.