This blog entry is for Shane and Heather. Good luck dealing with those HOA idiots.
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air.
Noone knows you'r secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world".
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is crystal clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.
There, feel better now????
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
The Proposition
A man was enjoying a drink at the bar when an exceptionally gorgeous young woman entered. She was so strikingly attractive that he couldnt take his eyes off her. She noticed his overly attentive stare and walked over to him.
Before he could offer an apology for being so rude the young woman said to him, "Ill do anything, absolutely anything, no matter how kinky, for the sum of $100, on one condition."
Flabbergasted the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what it is you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, opened his wallet, counted out 5 twenty dollar bills and pressed them into the young womans hand. He then looked her in the eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said:
PAINT MY HOUSE
Before he could offer an apology for being so rude the young woman said to him, "Ill do anything, absolutely anything, no matter how kinky, for the sum of $100, on one condition."
Flabbergasted the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what it is you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, opened his wallet, counted out 5 twenty dollar bills and pressed them into the young womans hand. He then looked her in the eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said:
PAINT MY HOUSE
Life's little truth's
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something that you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Noone is paying attention until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, but failure is usually in full view.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you never tried before.
Dont sweat the petty things.
Dont pet the sweaty things.
Attempt to get a new car for your wife.......it'll be a good trade.
Hard work pays off in the future.....laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimests....they dont expect it back.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definately isnt for you.
Boycott shampoo!!! Demand the real poo!!!
Everyone who believes in psychokinesis raise my hand>>>>>
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something that you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Noone is paying attention until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, but failure is usually in full view.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you never tried before.
Dont sweat the petty things.
Dont pet the sweaty things.
Attempt to get a new car for your wife.......it'll be a good trade.
Hard work pays off in the future.....laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimests....they dont expect it back.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definately isnt for you.
Boycott shampoo!!! Demand the real poo!!!
Everyone who believes in psychokinesis raise my hand>>>>>
Monday, May 30, 2005
Reflections on life as a male.....
When I was fourteen all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
When I was sixteen I dated a girl with large breasts but she had no passion. So I decided I wanted a girl with a zest for life.
I dated a passionate girl but she was a real drama queen. Everything was an emergency. She was always crying and upset. Even threatening suicide over the smallest thing.
So, then I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldnt keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was very impetuous and always flirting with everyone. She was great fun at first, but directionless. She made me miserable as often as happy.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. I found an ambitious girl planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with big breasts.......
When I was sixteen I dated a girl with large breasts but she had no passion. So I decided I wanted a girl with a zest for life.
I dated a passionate girl but she was a real drama queen. Everything was an emergency. She was always crying and upset. Even threatening suicide over the smallest thing.
So, then I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldnt keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was very impetuous and always flirting with everyone. She was great fun at first, but directionless. She made me miserable as often as happy.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. I found an ambitious girl planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with big breasts.......
Cat Bathing as a Martial Art
Some people believe cats never have to be bathed. They believe cats have a special enzyme in their saliva, like new and improved tide with bleach, and can lick themselves clean. There comes a time, however, when a man must face reality. Before you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the shower you may wish to heed some advice.
* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of stregnth. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the glass sliding door as if you were going to take a shower.
* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from a human body. Your advantage here is you are smarter and can dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high top construction boots, a pair of steel mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey mask, and a long sleeve flak jacket.
* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are laying on your back in the water.
*Use the element of surprise. Pick up your kitty nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will usually not notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. )
*Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single fluid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the bath enclosure, shut the glass door, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than 2 or 3 seconds at a time. When you have him however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He will then spring free and fall back into the water, rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so dont expect too much.)
*Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the hardest, for humans are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That is because by now the cat is semipermanently attached to your right leg. With your toes, pop the drain plug, reach for the towel and wait. (Occasionally the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, simply shake him free and coax him toward your right leg) After all the water has drained from the tub it is a simple matter to reach down and dry the cat.
*In a few days the cat will be relaxed enough to remove him from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isnt usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of stregnth. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the glass sliding door as if you were going to take a shower.
* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from a human body. Your advantage here is you are smarter and can dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high top construction boots, a pair of steel mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey mask, and a long sleeve flak jacket.
* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are laying on your back in the water.
*Use the element of surprise. Pick up your kitty nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will usually not notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. )
*Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single fluid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the bath enclosure, shut the glass door, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than 2 or 3 seconds at a time. When you have him however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He will then spring free and fall back into the water, rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so dont expect too much.)
*Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the hardest, for humans are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That is because by now the cat is semipermanently attached to your right leg. With your toes, pop the drain plug, reach for the towel and wait. (Occasionally the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, simply shake him free and coax him toward your right leg) After all the water has drained from the tub it is a simple matter to reach down and dry the cat.
*In a few days the cat will be relaxed enough to remove him from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isnt usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
Monday, May 02, 2005
Some quick jokes.
A man goes up to a bar located at the top of the empire state building. It looks like a nice place so he takes a seat at the bar.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here before" he says to the guy seated next to him.
"Oh. Really?" the other replies, "it is a nice place, It's also a very special bar"
"Why is that ?"
"Well you see that painting on the wall? It's an original Van Gogh, and the stool your sitting on was on the titanic."
"Wow, that's amazing." Says the first guy.
"Not only that but do you see that window over there? The fourth one from the right. Well the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out that window you will fall about fifty feet before the wind pushes you right back up."
"No way, that's impossible." the guy scoffs.
"Not at all, take a look" with that the guy walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh---he comes back up and sails through the window.
"See it's fun, you should try it" he says.
Try it!!! I don't even believe I saw it!!!! the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch Ill do it again." With that he falls out the window once more. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, stops,comes back and sails through the window.
"Give it a try. It's a blast."
"Well, what the heck. I'll give it a try" says the first man, as he proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90...100 feet and splat, he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this the second guy walks over, casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, " You know Superman, you'r a real jerk when you get drunk."
INTERESTING....YET USELESS INFORMATION
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt 30 feet. (O.M.G.!!!!!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach can live 9 days without it's head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig)
Banging you'r head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home. Maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while it's head is attached to it's body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the ....?!!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. (30 minutes.....lucky pig...can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty at the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life.....quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.......)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK. So I guess that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that one out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about the pig?????????)
Have a pig of a day y'all.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here before" he says to the guy seated next to him.
"Oh. Really?" the other replies, "it is a nice place, It's also a very special bar"
"Why is that ?"
"Well you see that painting on the wall? It's an original Van Gogh, and the stool your sitting on was on the titanic."
"Wow, that's amazing." Says the first guy.
"Not only that but do you see that window over there? The fourth one from the right. Well the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out that window you will fall about fifty feet before the wind pushes you right back up."
"No way, that's impossible." the guy scoffs.
"Not at all, take a look" with that the guy walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh---he comes back up and sails through the window.
"See it's fun, you should try it" he says.
Try it!!! I don't even believe I saw it!!!! the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch Ill do it again." With that he falls out the window once more. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, stops,comes back and sails through the window.
"Give it a try. It's a blast."
"Well, what the heck. I'll give it a try" says the first man, as he proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90...100 feet and splat, he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this the second guy walks over, casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, " You know Superman, you'r a real jerk when you get drunk."
INTERESTING....YET USELESS INFORMATION
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt 30 feet. (O.M.G.!!!!!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach can live 9 days without it's head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig)
Banging you'r head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home. Maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while it's head is attached to it's body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the ....?!!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. (30 minutes.....lucky pig...can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty at the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life.....quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.......)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK. So I guess that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that one out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about the pig?????????)
Have a pig of a day y'all.
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